Can you wash away bad luck?

Dear Family and Friends,

 At the turn of a new year (or decade), should people wash away all of the bad luck of yesteryear? 

 To say 2019 ended on a horrible note is an understatement. I was fired from a job, I felt extraordinary isolated, unsupported, and aimless in school, and a thief broke my car window and stole irreplaceable items that were only valuable to me. Most of my anticipated travel plans fell through, and I had a lot of nasty interactions with random people. Compared to 2018, 2019 pretty much sucked on a massive level. On January 1, 2020, I went to my favorite spa to Korean scrub away all of the negativity and nastiness of 2019. I spent 3 hours detoxing in the sauna, steam room, the Himalayan salt room, the clay room, the hot tub, and the cold pool. I jokingly told a friend that the body scrub washed away all of 2019 and part of 2018.   

 The start of the new decade has commenced a personal New Year’s Day tradition.

 Across the globe, millions of people ring in the New Year with a variety of traditions and superstitions.  Some people make sure their cabinets and wallets are full as a symbolic invitation welcoming abounding prosperity and wellness into the New Year. Others intentionally make loud noises to scare off and prohibit bad luck from entering into the New Year. Many people eat certain foods– gumbo, black eyed peas, soba noodles, collard greens, vasilopita, or king cake– because they are absolutely delicious and bring people together at the start of the year. I almost attempted to make a pot of gumbo to share with my friends. I decided against it  because I don’t have a large enough pot, I don’t know how to make gumbo, I don’t know how to make rice, and in my pity-party mood I convinced myself that I had no friends either. Starting off the New Year by giving your friends food poisoning is bad luck in every culture.   

 Globally, the jury is out on one age-old superstition: To clean or not clean your house before midnight?  Clean sweeps are a symbolic gesture of wiping away the old and preparing for a fresh start. Others argue that doing so suggest a lack of appreciation of both the good and bad circumstances that constitute the utterly imperfect, yet wholly sacred, human experience.

 Is it necessary to symbolically put a stake in-between two points of time with the purpose of emotionally and physically washing away and shutting the door on all memories of the former?  You probably should.

 I bet you have tried to shut the door on the past  before. New Year resolutions are the exemplar of ‘shutting the door’ on the past. Tangential to New Year resolutions are the determinations of ‘Magical Mondays’ and ‘Inaugural First of the Month’. The New Year, Magical Mondays, and the Inaugural First of the Month is when people promise they will begin exercising, save money, stop eating out, jog to work, go to therapy, adopt a seeing eye puppy, find love, and begin living their best life on Instagram. New starts never happen on mid weeks, mid months, or mid-year unless it is a Monday or the first of the month. It’s a scientifically proven fact.

 As I write this letter, the end of the first month of the new year of the new decade is swiftly approaching. It is no secret that New Year resolutions are as fleeting as the first day of the year; many people have already fallen off their self-imposed constraints. The gyms, once packed during the first week of this month are probably down to normal occupancy levels. Those who were declaring, “New year, new me!” have returned back to the habits from last year’s ‘old me’. People are no longer ashamed to be seen at the fast food restaurants that they swore off at the beginning of the year. 

 However, setting resolutions, intentions, and determinations isn’t trivial. It takes bravery to identify areas of inadequacy and take steps towards changing. It elucidates desires, aspirations, wants, inclinations and yearnings. Many of these deeply held desires are nearly unattainable, embarrassingly enticing, and speak to the core of who we believe we are, or who we convince ourselves that we are not.  It takes work to undo all of the deeply ingrained limitation and social pressures to find the courage to ask for exactly what we want; some people are still seeking permission to ask for exactly what they want.  

 To be human is to sometimes inexplicably want something ridiculous. It is easier to become constipated from constantly swallowing hurt, fear, and disappointment than to make an effort to change. Resolutions and intentions are a bold and audacious ask of the Universe, and to those around us, to reward our best efforts to change our circumstances. It provokes fear as self-change increases vulnerability to disappointment, failure, and rejection. 

 Close your eyes (as you are reading this) and envision asking your boss for a raise. I’m sure you would appreciate a 10% increase in your paycheck starting immediately. How did the thought of asking for something you want make you feel?

 Resolutions made during Magical Mondays and New Year’s speaks to our desire to start again, given that we can’t possibly go back in time for a do-over.

 Resolutions are a safe way to express hope, in an unashamed and non-embarrassing way, which a better version of self and circumstances exist in the near future. It is the place where better habits, attitudes, and behaviors exist to support the goal seeker’s journey towards an improved life. It makes finding favor and luck clearer and more attainable in an uncertain and unpredictable world. It is shutting the door on paranoia —  the irrational and persistent feeling that people are ‘out to get you’ — and opening the door to pronoia — paranoia’s disgustingly cheerful and optimistic cousin that always insists that everything in the world is doing everything in its power to help you succeed and bring you and an over-abundance of joy and peace. 

 At the turn of a new year (or decade), should people wash away all of the bad luck of yesteryear?  Maybe not?

At base level, pronoia would seem like the Universe is conspiring to give you a perfect life: An amazing support system, recognition for all of your hard work, complete confidence, a great paying a rewarding job, well behaved perfect children, and an award winning show dog that can file your taxes. Ask the person who has the aforementioned dream life if they are completely happy and grounded in security. They possibly are; money makes life much easier in obtaining a life of peace. However, others in the same perfect life boat have a bottomless void that sneakily moves in an out of different aspects of their life and psyche. It becomes difficult to grasp and impossible to fill. No matter what your circumstances are, pronoia is just the belief that all is working out for your good regardless of the material circumstances conditions of this world.

 A Tao anecdote asserts that not all bad events are harmful, nor are all things that seem good are helpful. There is a short story that depicts a series of events in a man’s life. Some situations that seem good ended with negative consequences, and what seemed like an unfortunate event protected him from a worse outcome. Similarly, I once received an email chain (do y’all remember those) with a story of people who had a very rough start before they made it to work on a particular day. One person had a snotty-nosed sick kid. Another person forgot their wallet at home, and the list went on. These small hiccups that particular morning prevented them from going to work at the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001. In the aftermath of the terrorist attack, some people found new meaning in life and drastically changed their personal trajectories in pursuing a life with more meaning and purpose. However, survivor’s guilt completely broke the spirits of many others.

 Enormous emphasis is placed on big moments to embody the proverbial fork in the road moments that will determine the path to becoming a rockstar millionaire vs. endlessly chasing the wind for a dream deferred. The truth is, every little decision is a fork in the road.To sleep in, or to not sleep in, could change your life just as much as to move across the country or not. Sometimes we choose the option that gives us more opportunities (which could be good or bad), and sometimes we choose the option that effectively closes the door on other opportunities (which could be good or bad as well). The thing is, the future is unknown.

 What we do know for certain is that magical Mondays are always around the corner, and the first of the month and the first of the year aren’t too far behind. We look for those key thresholds, starting lines, and definitive conclusions to begin putting effort into getting it right.

 So, for next year, should you clean out your cupboards and keep them open to invite good luck in, or should you avoid washing away the accumulated good and bad from the year before that made you a stronger person?  Definitely not.

Going through new beginnings and endings is just as transient as going through a doorway. Sometimes they will feel significant (like the first day of moving into a new home), but most of the time they will not (like the million times you walk into your home). New beginnings feel fun until the newness and initial motivation has faded and now it is time to put in the work, without the help of the feel good chemicals: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins. The work needed to ensure change is not fun. If it was fun, you’d still be keeping up with you 2020 New Year resolutions. In fact, you wouldn’t have any New Year’s resolutions because you would have achieved all of your previous New Year’s resolutions by now.   

 Sometimes we look towards shutting the door on the old because we are afraid to confront and reconcile the past. At some point, a reckoning must take place. The sooner the better. Take full account so that you and the other person/ circumstance are squared away, and your personal book of good intentions and bad deeds are balanced at the end of the day. Be like your friend that knows how much money they owe you; the one that insists on paying you the $0.37 that they owe from five years ago so that nothing is left hanging in the balance.  

 Let go of the idea that you are in control of the unpredictable and painful parts of life by wrapping it up, putting a pretty bow on the situation, and prematurely moving forward. Honestly, sometimes life is unjustifiably unfair and it really sucks, especially when things don’t end fairly, *cough*  like being fired *cough*, and things are left undone.

 Don’t close the door on everything that hurts. Let it sting for a while. Let all of the sucky things in life and all of the things left undone transform and strengthen you. It may give a reason to fight, or it may kick you in the back of the knees and force you to take an adult timeout. Pain is protective. It is an indicator that something is terribly wrong and your body is trying to get your attention so you fix it immediately. It teaches you to avoid painful stimuli, or you learn how to overcome it.  Either way, it will force you to slllloooowwww down.

 We rush to end painful situations to get a quick, albeit incomplete, closure to avoid feeling like a failure or a loser. 

Sometimes closure doesn’t look like closure. You just slowly hurt a little less every day. You realize you stopped plotting revenge on the particular person that wronged you. You stop waiting for the apology that isn’t coming. You forget what the initial pain felt like.

“The end begins before you are ever aware of it. It passes as ordinary” Ling Ma.

 At the turn of a New Year (or decade), should people wash away all of the bad luck of yesteryear? 

 The concise answer: Yes and no. Yes, I wholeheartedly believe in ritual cleansing, intentional detoxing, and purposeful fasting. However, it should occur as  needed, as opposed to waiting for a specific day or time of the year; it shouldn’t mask an attempt to run away from the responsibility of reconciling unresolved issues. It should make you  a stronger person. There is something comforting in always knowing that I’ve survived worse, and nothing scares me except raccoons and tax season. 

As I wrote this letter I realized why it is next to impossible for me to give a clear and concise answer to any question. These letters keep getting longer and longer every month. I’m sorry, not sorry. If you made it to this point, you are a champion and I look forward to hearing from you!

 Brianna

Mother Tongue, Skeleton Keys, and Provenance

Dear Family and Friends,

I used to watch this pseudo-documentary reality T.V. show called “MTV: True Life”. My all time favorite episode I’m in a Love Triangle chronicled the long-term relationship of a couple who temporarily broke up and tried to work things out. During the break-up, the boyfriend impregnated a casual friend and ultimately decided he wanted to be with both his ex-girlfriend and soon-to-be baby mama. The baby mama seemed as if she didn’t care if the guy was in her life or not; however, the ex-girlfriend was in deep pain over the situation. It was revealed that the ex-girlfriend had been pregnant with the boyfriend’s baby before, but the boyfriend gave her the ultimatum to either have an abortion or he would end the relationship. She chose the abortion, and he eventually ended the relationship.

 

In the final fight scene,  the boyfriend was trying to convince the ex-girlfriend that he, the baby mama, the soon-to-be born baby, and the ex-girlfriend should all consider living together as a blended family. She cried and struggled to articulate why the ultimatum of blended family vs end of relationship seemed unreasonable and unfair. The ex-girlfriend was the breathing embodiment of being at a loss for words.    

 

The scene of the ex-girlfriend being taken advantage of simply because she didn’t have the skills to articulate and assert her needs was disheartening and probably an accurate portrayal of many of our own experiences. Some of our stories are publicly displayed for all to critique. Some of our stories happen repeatedly in secret like a thousand paper cuts slowly tearing us apart. Being able to express yourself — and engage in the reciprocity of being seen, heard, and understood– is the keystone in our desire to connect, relate, and evolve.  

 

The phenomenally brilliant Maya Angelou once said, ‘There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you’. The fiery accuracy of Toni Morrison encourages people to seek power and sovereignty within ourselves and communities particularly through the power and use of words (you have to watch the documentary) . My final thoughts for this year’s theme of connecting unlikely pairs pays homage to the wisdom and legacy left by Dr. Maya Angelou and Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison. This letter centers  embracing peremptory sovereignty in self-assertion as we strive towards honest and unbridled relationships.

 

Peremptory sovereignty is harnessing absolute and unconditional power and authority without debate. I will not provide any caveats as to what it means, feels like, looks like, taste like, or how it should manifest in your life. Take it and run with however you please. As for me, I decided to thoughtfully consider 3 ways of demonstrating peremptory sovereignty through expression and self-assertion by: 1) Finding my mother tongue; 2) Accepting that I am skeleton key; and,  3) Declaring provenance. 

 

Finding my mother tongue

 

Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani wrote of her experience of growing up in Nigeria  learning to only speak English, as opposed to (instead of in addition to) learning the local language, Igbo. As with many people of color who deeply hold the pain of colonization and white supremacy in the marrow of their bones, Nwaubani’s parents felt that speaking English, a.k.a getting her closer to whiteness, was a sign of education and added advantages in life. Nwaubani’s essay describes her longing to speak the language of her grandmother and ancestors and the implications of disconnecting from who you are to mimic something you are not.

 

Her words resonated with my soul on many levels. I am the proud descendant of the black folks  who survived the treacherous journey through the Atlantic slave trade, through slavery, and through Jim Crow. While my mother tongue is not one of the 2000 languages spoken on the continent of Africa, my mother tongue is ‘black joy and clap backs’ that evolved since the first day my ancestor’s shackled feet stepped foot on this continent. (FYI: I just decided all of this as I wrote it.) 

 

While ‘black joy and clap backs’ is not a distinct dialect of English, its distinct vernacular has threaded its way through my life even before I knew it had been recognized as another name.  When I was young, prior to the mass distribution of caller ID, I noticed that my mom would sound extra sweet when she picked up the phone for an unknown caller. When she realized it was my grandma on the other line, her whole entire tone would completely change. As I got older, I learned that this behavior is an actual thing known as code switching. Code switching  is the way in which people of color adjust their speech and mannerisms in predominantly white spaces to avoid additional attention for the many ways we are ‘othered’ in such spaces. As an anonymous Instagram meme writer wrote, “I may be ghetto at heart, but my customer service voice went to Harvard”. I often think about the way in which I command the King’s English– free of ebonics, and filled with references to National Public Radio and the New York Times– has given me advantages to move through systems and institutions that have historically barred black folks.  

 

Yet, I still feel robbed by being limited to the dearth of words in the English language. Perhaps, as a writer I feel slightly obsessed in the pursuit of words and constructs in different languages that can more accurately convey thoughts, feelings, senses and knowings. Marina Keegan beautifully captured the similar desire in her essay, “The Opposite of Loneliness”.  

 

Finding my mother tongue as a mechanism of achieving peremptory sovereignty isn’t necessarily the endless pursuit of words or language. Finding my mother tongue is simply learning how to confidently speak up for myself, precisely  communicate what I want and need, and defend my boundaries unapologetically. Finding my mother tongue, in part, is the recognition that not everyone will speak my language. Not everyone will affirm or recognize my needs or boundaries. Not everyone will acknowledge my contributions or insights if my stance doesn’t fit their agenda. It is recognizing that not everyone has found their mother tongue, therefore they don’t know how to reciprocate appropriately when I speak in my mine. And, that is o.k. Lastly, finding my mother tongue is knowing when to be quiet. 

 

I am the skeleton key

 

Unlike your fingerprints, the locks on your doors are not unique. There are only so many ways to design a lock with unique grooves, levers and wards for a finite amount of key sizes and shapes. If you were to accidentally lock yourself out of your home, you could ask all of your neighbors to try and see if their key fits your lock. Or you could call a locksmith. The locksmith will use a skeleton key, also known as a master key, that has been stripped down to its bare parts so that it may pass through the unique wards and levers to unlock your door. The tool may not look like a traditional key, but the parts that go inside of the lock are essentially a key.

 

Skeleton keys, in the context of reaching peremptory sovereignty, are a reminder that the most fundamental version of you can unlock anything. It is the abandonment of the idea you are never good enough or that prestigious titles and degrees are a preliminary requirements to move towards all that which you desire in life. It is similar to the situation of applying for a job that has a mix of required and desirable qualifications. If it is a fair interview, you have an real chance of being hired if you have met all of the required qualifications. If it is a good organization, they will  help you develop the desirable traits that you lacked prior to being hired.

 

We often deny ourselves opportunities to take chances and move forward into the unknown because we don’t believe ourselves to be the perfect fit, ready, or the timing isn’t perfect. We need to abandon the idea that all opportunities will look like a perfect situation tailored for you because you are unique.  Whether or not you are the skeleton key or the custom made, perfectly tailored key– you are the key.

 

Declaring provenance

 

As a kid, I used to watch a news show called 20/20 with Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs. In one segment, guest hosted John Stossel asked art critics to critique the value and merit of art by up and coming artist they never heard of. They raved and said big artsy-fartsy words. What they did not know was that the artist were 5 year old preschoolers. 

 

Art is clearly subjective. What makes art valuable in a monetary sense is how the artist sees and portrays the world in an original way, influences others artist, and the overall impact they have in a particular medium and genre. I have some gorgeous art on my wall, but I could never sell my Van Gough reprint for millions of dollars. While there are many ways of detecting original art from counterfeits, one method is to simply have a certificate of provenance. Provenance is the record of all owners tracing  back to the original artist. FYI: much of the art you see in museums representing different countries do not have certificates of provenance dating to the original artist because it was most likely stolen from the land during an invasion or conquest.

 

Anyways, in my quest for peremptory sovereignty for the new year and beyond I’m declaring provenance. I’m not sure what that is going to look like, but in theory it feels important to do. Maybe that means being more authentic… blah, blah, blah cliche, cliche, cliche. ( It is 4 pages into a very long letter and I’ve run out of important things to say.) Maybe I’ll write more about it throughout the year. It may look like in grounding genuinely authentic and divine relationships with others, God, myself, with and in nature. Sound good right? 

 

It may also look like becoming the writer that I pretend to be in my head. I’ve decided that it is time to finally to make baby steps into putting stuff out into the world in addition to clogging your email box. I plan to make a book of all of my letters. It will have some of my early writings (I hope my parents haven’t throw away my old teenage angst notebooks) and include all of my monthly letters from the last 5 years. The goal is to edit the content, incorporate big words that nobody ever uses, add pictures to the stories and bind the book before the close of 2020. I will be the only person with a copy, but you can look at it if you come visit me.

 

Declaring provenance is the proclamation that I am the masterful artist and simultaneously the alluring work of art in progress . Declaring provenance is being fruitful, in due season, and that others would know the projects that I’ve created or contributed towards and the spaces that I’ve inhabited even in my absence. 

 

With that said, I hope that 2020 brings more joy, more wisdom, more money, a few battle scars, and it sets you up for a better 2021. I always love hearing from you!

Lizard Tails and 27

Dear Family and Friends,

What if?

What if you fail? What if you make the wrong decision? What if the worse case scenario actually happens? What if you set into motion a series of events that result in the end of life as you know it?

It could happen. On December 31st, 1999, the world waited in anticipation of the possibility that life as we knew it would come to a tumultuous end.

A patient and I were discussing  our hypothetical response in a doomsday scenario and what we had feared at the turn of the century. The patient mentioned that his aunt stored weeks of survival supplies on her rural farm anticipating that the world would break into chaos due to the Y2K scare. In 1999 her fear was warranted. ( I’m sure many of you prepared something- maybe not to the same extent- anticipating the world banks would crash, computers would fail, and pandemonium would surely follow.) Then January 01, 2000 came and went. And so did the next day. And the next. And the next.

As we approach the 20th anniversary of the Y2K mania that never materialized, this letter in honor of January 2, 2000– the day we were all assured that we were spared of the greatest stock market crash, rise of global lawlessness, and impending zombie apocalypse. While this letter has nothing to do with Y2K in particular, I’ve been pondering the idea of how lizard tails and 27 both represent a new normal after real and barely missed chaos occurs in life.

I’ve always been fascinated with lizards. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t mess with lizards. I couldn’t figure out a 2nd thing to connect to the number 27 as I pondered the bigger thoughts as to who we are after we have been changed by circumstances. I was in my happy place, Eastern Market in Washington D.C., when I began talking with a local artist, Rayhart, about the recent musing floating through my brain. Rayhart shared with me a story from his childhood in South Florida. It is  a common past time activity for kids to step on lizards and watch their tails come off and continue wiggling without a body.

Lizards can purposefully detach their tail in high stress environments when they are being attacked. This survival mechanism– having a completely detached wiggling tail– distracts their predator and allows for the lizard scurry away to safety. In a few weeks to months, the lizard will regenerate a brand new tail made of cartilage instead of bone.

We see this in humans, too. No, we don’t disconnected a limb to escape predators, but we do sometimes emotionally dissociate from traumatic experiences as a means of protecting ourselves. Physically, we have only two organs that will self-regenerate without the aid of science or medicine after a traumatic event, both of which work on a 27 day cycle.

The liver is a powerful organ that is responsible for numerous critical functions. It filters blood; detoxifies minerals; metabolizes drugs, fats, proteins, and carbohydrates; initiates enzyme activation; stores glycogen, vitamins, and minerals; and synthesises plasma proteins. The liver is vulnerable to the effects of alcohol and the hepatitis viruses. The liver has the capability of healing itself after being poisoned or resolving a viral infection in 27 days.

Similarly, the skin is the external organ that has the power to heal itself. All of us have been cut and watched a scar regenerated a protective barrier. Even without an injury we are constantly becoming a new body. Every 27 days the body regenerates a new layer of skin to mark healthy growth and development. I did the math; by the time I’ve sent this letter to you, my skin has turned over 421 times during my lifetime.

And because I’m feeling the number 27 right now, there are 27 bones in your hand, FYI.

Lastly, depending on what you subscribe to, there is one last cycle of 27 that deserves an honorable mention– the menstrual cycle. Just kidding.

In astrology, completely unrelated to herpetology or anatomy, Saturn orbits around the sun roughly every 27-30 years. This orbital journey, a Saturn Return, is when Saturn returns to the same place in the galaxy in which it was situated when a person was born. Why does this matter? A Saturn Return is akin to an individual’s personal Y2K. Some consider it a rite of passage as it is often a manifestation of a period of uncertainty and disorder in one’s life.

I appreciate the significance of the number 27 as a special Biblical number. The number 27 derives its meaning from being the cube of 3 (3 x 3 x 3). Many Biblical scholars recognize the number 3 as divine completeness, wholeness, and perfection– the representation of the Light of God. While some may consider a Saturn Return as chaos and disorganization, I believe it is just a rocky road towards wholeness and completion.

Once someone gets through their Saturn Return, they are stronger, wiser, richer, skinnier, better off because of it. The end of a Saturn Return is a cosmic punctuation mark in a person’s life story. For some people, it is a period ending a chapter. For others it is a comma, an exclamation mark, or an ellipsis.

And this punctates the end of this month’s letter celebrating the day after you thought the world was going to end– you didn’t get the job, you got dumped, you didn’t win the lottery– and you realized that the world and Saturn just kept spinning.

Sincerely,

Brianna

Maybe, if you ask, I’ll share with you a voicemail I saved from my mom. I failed a class a few years ago and thought I would never get into nursing school and my life would be perpetually doomed. Sometimes I re-listen to that voicemail as a reminder that I have survived my own Y2K.

My class number in the 2nd grade was 27. Now you know.

Brianna M. Singleton

 

~If you can leave everything behind you’ll return with much more than when you came~

Pilots and Rock Climbers

Dear Family and Friends,

I never feel as if my monthly letters are fully accomplished. Ideas are left unsaid and unexplored. Grammar and spelling errors are overlooked. Weird phrases are oddly interjected unnecessarily. Last month was no different. I spent more time developing my thoughts around the concept of ‘shadows’, more so than I did for the concept of ‘proprioception’. Luckily, these letters only exist as a means to stay connected to you. And with that said, I’m going to re-visit the concept of proprioception from the perspectives of a rock climber and a pilot.

Special Note: I’ve never actually flown a plane, but I’ve been on numerous flights and I’ve read two books, one by a surgeon and another by a sociologist, who explore the psychology of being a pilot. Also, I’ve never been rock climbing out in nature. However, I tried it out once a few years ago in the school’s gymnasium on the fake rock wall. With that said, I’ve met the bare minimum qualifications to talk about the challenges of being a professional pilot and a rock wall climber.

My last letter describes how proprioception is the awareness of where your body is – in part and in whole – and how it is moving. Proprioception is our physiological sense of balance and coordination. Proprioception keeps us from falling as we engage in running, jumping, skipping, meandering, dancing, swimming, tumbling, and dropping it like it’s hot. Impaired proprioception, caused by spatial disorientation or a defect in one’s senses, can impede the ability to move through this world effortlessly.

Spatial Dis-orientation and Impaired Visibility

A T.V. character on the show A Million Little Things remarked that it is possible for a pilot to fly upside down if they lose sight of the horizon. I found it especially difficult to believe that a person’s sense of being right-side up could be wrong. I know that our senses can fail us; I’ve mis-heard things, I’ve been mistaken, I’ve misinterpreted intentions, and I’ve mis-read people and situations. However, I’ve always known when I’ve been upside down. They say, “Don’t believe everything you see on T.V.”, so I had to check the entire internet to see if it was true or not because you can believe everything you read on the internet.

According to the internet, there are times when pilots, astronauts, and deep sea divers can be unaware they are completely inverted. In day-to-day conditions, proprioception works properly when the vestibular system– the fluids in the cochlea of the inner ear– adjust to the position of the body and send signals to the brain indicating the position of the body. The signaling from the vestibular system becomes impaired at certain altitudes, depths, and pressure. Lack of external cues and unusual circumstances will mislead a person to believe they are right-side up even when they are not.

The closest I can relate to not being able to trust myself at such a visceral level is when I had trouble recalling the details of a memory. Maybe you can relate. Have you ever remembered something so vividly, as if it was just yesterday, only for someone to tell you it didn’t happen that way? According to science, and not just the internet, our memories are terribly faulty. We never remember things as they truly were. Never. Every time we recall a memory, we corrupt that memory only to mis-remember it even more. It’s like watching an old home video and seeing that your grandmother’s favorite hat was really green, not red like you remembered it. Or looking at old high school or college pictures and you can’t recall anything about someone in the picture you are pretty sure was a good friend. Some people, myself included, can trick their self into believing they have memories of times and events they were never present for.

This has been verified widely within the context of the prison industrial complex system. Many people have been exonerated of a crime after DNA evidence proved it was impossible they committed the crime. About 70% of those cases convicted the wrong person because of heavy emphasis on the eyewitness testimony. Even though there has been a lot of research proving that eyewitness reports are not as reliable as people think they are, the prison industrial complex system has not changed much. First, there are some racist and bigoted people, whether they are the witness or the prosecution team, who believe the conviction of any black or brown man is considered a ‘win’ in their eyes. Second, many other people simply and systematically make mistakes when identifying other people. Research has shown that the way police line-ups and photos presentations are conducted have strongly biased and pressured victims to pick anyone from the line-up, even if the perpetrator isn’t there. Research has shown that people have a hard time distinguishing people of other races. (Ask your black colleague how often people interchange them for the other black person in the office).

Furthermore, our memory is extraordinarily unreliable when major events, especially traumatic events, occur. During traumatic events, our brain and body goes into survival mode, which may look like a mental and physical freezing. It is the same survival mechanism, ‘the dear in headlights’ mode that has saved countless lives yet makes the person feel guilty for not ‘fighting back’. And after an attack, our brain stays in survival mode. Often time that looks like blocking out the horrific event in order to erase any memory of the pain. The person’s mechanism to protect themselves impedes their ability to “sound legitimate”. Rape victim’s account of the incident often times just doesn’t make sense and they are often dismissed, or worse, told they are lying because of these survival mechanisms. Additionally, even well intentioned friends and correctional officers ask questions they may unconsciously lead the victim down a path that changes the story and events, further corrupting the person’s memory.

Telling a pilot that they are flying upside down is akin to telling a person that all of their memories have been corrupted over time.

Instead of pretending that flying upside is impossible, astronauts and pilots train on a device called a Bárnáy chair. Trainees are blindfolded and twirled around several times to severely disorient them. They are tasked to identify where they think they are⸻ only to be shown that their internal senses will lead them astray under certain conditions. They are trained that they cannot always trust their senses.

I’ve experienced a similar situation when I went rock climbing a few years ago. Some of you may be picturing me out in the Grand Canyon with my trusty rock climbing gear ready to climb a 1000 ft. rock wall before the sun rises. Nope. I was at the school gym. As I began climbing, all I had to do was focus on following the path of hand and foot holds. I discovered about 20 new muscles that I never knew I had and learned to focus on breathing while taking one step at a time. I didn’t have to look up or ahead. I just had to focus on what was right around me. I got to a point ¾ up the way where I couldn’t easily figure out my next step. As I took a moment to pause, think and search, I heard the guy holding my ropes say, “You are doing a great job!”. Then I looked back and saw that I had gone up a pretty high distance. Up until that point I never considered how high I was. I was rushed with an overwhelming fear of heights and began climbing back down. I never made it to the top.

As I was climbing up the wall, I only needed to see where the next marker was located for me to grab hold of. My sense of awareness changed the moment I decided that the distance from the ground superseded what I had known to be true– I was safe, doing fine, and firmly, yet precariously planted on the wall. In that one second, I became completely disoriented.

Experienced pilots and rock climbers know that you can’t always trust what you see. And, sometimes they can’t always trust their instincts. The second half of this very long letter goes into ways on how we can augment our proprioception to overcome challenges and circumstances.

Internal tools: Presence of Mind

A few years ago, a few friends and I decided to go to Lake Tahoe during Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend. We knew the roads would be icy, especially in the mountains. Most of us grew up in California had never driven in anything outside of sunshine and occasional rain. We were also collectively broke, so flying to Tahoe was not an option. Eventually, two people decided they would drive rental cars with half the group in each SUV. At one point, I can’t really explain why this happened, but as we were driving slowly and cautiously when the car suddenly started to spin out of control. The driver, Joe, had the presence of mind to take his foot off the bake and turn into the direction of the skid.  All I remember was saying over and over again, “We’re o.k. We’re o.k. We’re o.k.”, until we finally stopped spinning about 5-10 rotations later. I feel like that was the only way I knew how to pray in that moment. And I thank God⸻ not in a sarcastic mocking way⸻ that we didn’t crash into anyone or anything as we spun across the freeway. When the car finally stopped our car was positioned in the 4th lane near the freeway median facing the direction traffic was moving in.

Maybe my memory is corrupted. Maybe it didn’t happen like that. Maybe I wasn’t saying “We’re o.k. We’re o.k. We’re o.k.”, but I know for sure that event happened.

I mentioned that Joe had the presence of mind to keep control of the car instead of panicking like I probably would have done. What does it mean to have ‘the presence of mind’? It’s a cool term describing when intuition and experience ignites at the right moment. People are always experience all five senses⸻ taste, sound, sight, touch, smell⸻ but we are only actively aware of one or two in any given moment. The brain is constantly passively gathering information and small details at all times. The temperature, background noise, floating thoughts, advertisements, etc. Every single moment of our lives, we are passively taking in hundreds if not thousands of pieces of information. Malcom Gladwell discusses how our intuition is the accumulation or memory of all of the things we’ve experienced but didn’t cognitively process. We may actively act on 1 or two things ⸻  i.e. turn the heat on if you notice it is getting cold or delete my email when you receive it ⸻  but the brains process all information. (Also, another good book is The Gift of Fear which dissects how our intuition keeps us safe).

‘Presence of mind’ is knowing something without knowing how or why you know the information. It’s having the answer to a trivia question about a movie you never saw. (Hint: The movie is probably really famous, thus that is why they have made a trivia question about it. Because it is a famous movie, other movies/ tv shows/ books/ public figures have referenced key parts of the movie, and you subconsciously remembered those references to the movie you’ve never seen.) For instance, you may not know who John Tanner Williams is, but if I played some of his music you may say, “I don’t normally like classical music but this sounds really nice!” Why? Because he has composed the main scores for movies like Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Jaws, Home Alone, E.T., Indiana Jones, and Harry Potter. He may not compose music you would buy nor would you hear on your favorite radio stations. However, he has written many musical scores for major blockbuster movies that you’ve probably have already seen or heard in a commercial advertising the moving. In other words, you don’t have a choice to not like any of his music. You have been subconsciously conditioned to a have a positive inclination to the songs he has composed.

External Tools: Instrument Flight Tools and Chalk

Experienced climbers and pilots have honed their intuition through practice and experience. Both are trained to know that they have to trust their tools when all else fails, short of falling unconscious. Their tools are not subjected to the feelings of the pilot or the climber.

Pilots can lose sight of the horizon and all other reference points. They fly to altitudes where there are only clouds above, clouds below, and darkness all around. And at some point⸻ and it probably happened really slowly as they are navigating through turbulence ⸻  a pilot can be turned upside down. How scary! Feeling right side up when the plane’s instruments indicate the plane is flying upside down. I can’t imagine the internal struggle pilots face when they know something to be true that contradicts one thing designed to save the pilot’s life. Pilots have to be conditioned, trained, and mentally prepared to let go of control and begin to fly in ‘instrument meteorological conditions’, rather than using their proprioception and visual references. This requires a special qualification deeming a pilot to be fit to fly under ‘Instrument Flight Rules’ in adverse circumstances like this. They have to fully trust that their instruments and training will get them right side up and to their destination safely.

Even solo free rock climbers have tools. These people a different breed of people who climb mountains using just their bare hands and feet⸻ no safety ropes⸻ for fun. Of course people fall to their death doing this all of the time. I was watching this video of Alex Honnold, who is alive and well, who climbed one of the most steep (meaning completely vertical) rocks, El Capitain, in Yosemite. (You will fall out of your own chair for him when you watch the video.) Anyways, even without ropes he still has one tool- chalk. Chalk is used to keep the climber’s hands dry as they profusely sweat knowing any step could be their last step. Chalk is also used in preparation for the climb. Climbers may rappel down a mountain and mark key foot and hand holds imbedded in the rock prior to free climbing the mountain. Chalk marks serve as little reminders, as the climber ascend the mountain, that there is a known path to the destination no matter how exhausted or unsure the climber feels.  All the climber has to do is get to the next chalk mark and repeat until they get to the top. The climber has to trust in their tools when they can’t trust in their stamina. They have no choice once they commit to climbing a mountain with no ropes. A climber can ascend a mountain with no ropes, but they cannot go down without them. Nobody can come save the climber.

To end this extra-long monthly rambling with one of my favorite quotes: When you cannot trust your sight, trust your vision. Sometimes your sense of awareness, an aspect contributing to your overall proprioception, is slightly off. But you have all the internal and external tools you need to re-orientate yourself.

 

As always, I love hearing from you. You can find all of my old letters at https://fearwaslastseason.wordpress.com/

 

Brianna

Ps: Maggie: Maybe he just lost sight of the horizon. I was watching this documentary on JFK Jr. You remember when his plane went down? … Anyway, Kennedy was a novice pilot. He was flying at night, and the clouds came in, and his instruments were telling him which way was up, but he didn’t trust them. The truth was right in front of him, and he couldn’t see it. He lost sight of the horizon and nosedived, and by the time he realized what was happening, it was too late, and he couldn’t pull up.

Gary: What does this have to do– (with suicide)

Maggie: That’s depression. Now maybe he wasn’t depressed; maybe something else was going on. People keep secrets from loved ones, and sometimes, you don’t even know they have these secrets until an event like this happens.

 

Brianna M. Singleton

 

~

 

If you can leave everything behind, you’ll return with much more than when you came~

Attachments area

Preview YouTube video Jurassic Park – Main Theme

Jurassic Park – Main Theme

Preview YouTube video Star Wars Main Theme (Full)

Star Wars Main Theme (Full)

Preview YouTube video JAWS Offical Theme – John Williams

JAWS Offical Theme – John Williams

Preview YouTube video John Williams – Home Alone Theme

John Williams – Home Alone Theme

Preview YouTube video John Williams conducts E.T. – Adventures on Earth

John Williams conducts E.T. – Adventures on Earth

Preview YouTube video John Williams – Indiana Jones インディアナ・ジョーンズ Orchestral Medley conducted by Andrzej Kucybała

John Williams – Indiana Jones インディアナ・ジョーンズ Orchestral Medley conducted by Andrzej Kucybała

Preview YouTube video John Williams – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer´s Stone – Suite

John Williams – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer´s Stone – Suite

 

Gardens and Magnum Opus

Dear family and friends,

 

I’ve forgotten how to be a writer. Maybe not completely forgotten, but sitting at the computer feels foreign because I haven’t had to do my usual excessive amount of writing in a long time. I’m deeply appreciative of this process, which I’ve taken for granted, of letting my mind roam as my fingers chase after it. I’m reminded as to why I sit here and disentangle my thoughts on “paper”. The seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years just come and go so quickly. What a wonderful opportunity it is to be able to reflect on life, in the midst of life, as I grapple with the question: Are my best days behind me? Cheers to turning 30.

 

I’m always searching for an event, a memory, or something I read to spark some profound insight of pure genius to include in these letters. I’m still searching; however, this letter is late and I must write something. This month’s inspiration in my little garden.

 

By no means would any reasonable person call my humble set-up and actual garden. I live in a little apartment and I lack a green thumb. After killing everything that they say is nearly impossible to kill — bamboo, aloe, succulents– my garden consists of an air plant, a bonsai tree, and an empty greenhouse that will one day house my indoor herbs. It sounds pathetic, but I love this little corner of space filled with life. I know one day I will graduate to potted plants. I may even move to a home that has a place to put seeds in the dirt one day.

 

My little garden represents my entire existence.  It is representative of my boundaries, responsibilities, aesthetic appreciation, and what I hope to manifest in the world.

 

Every literal and figurative garden has permeable boundaries. Gardens are unique to each owner, and its boundaries are clearly demarcated. Go for a walk in any neighborhood and you’ll find fences or a change in landscape serving as a property line separating one person’s home from their neighbor’s. Property lines only exist because both neighbors agree to social norms acknowledging the existence of said imaginary line. Thus, all borders, walls, barriers, boundaries and property lines are either imaginary or only have significance if people accept that boundaries and borders serve a purpose.

 

Gardens show us the different ways the personal boundaries we build have no real meaning outside of social cooperation. We are all dependent on the interconnectedness of all of life, despite the imaginary boundaries that we erect. For instance, if the soil on your neighbor’s side of the fence is unhealthy, so will be yours. Boundaries only mark the gardener’s comfort zone of where they feel safe and would feel comfortably imprisoned should they build their walls high.

 

When I think of a gardener, I think of a little old grandma with her shears singing to her plants and pruning away the unhealthy parts of the plants. There is a certain level of responsibility to provide adequate fertilizer, consistent water, and to apply techniques to prevent the infestation of critters and weeds. However, she also benefits from everything in the ecosystem– worms, pollinators, good climate, etc– simply existing so that her garden can thrive. There are things outside of her control, yet she should care about and actively support the health of, that is good for both her, her garden, and her neighborhood. The principles of gardening exhibit the underlying  responsibility in creating a more just and humane society. As we work on making our own garden beautiful we can consider our responsibility to positively contribute to our greater community.

 

I’ve learned how to connect and apply responsible (life) gardening tips from two people. First, in an environmental health class taught by Dr. Barbara Sattler, she pointed out the irony of spraying poison, particularly round up and other pesticides, on your living garden. It doesn’t make your plant or soil healthier, nor does it work for the complete elimination of pest. A better alternative is to apply integrated pest management techniques- using plants native to the region, increasing the diversity of your plants, and taking care and enriching the soil just as much as you do the flowers- to keep the pest away. In other words, you are better off learning from and cooperating with nature rather than trying to poison the Earth. Similarly, the brilliant Dr. Camara Jones provides an allegory in the Gardener’s Tale describing how we are all gardeners who are responsible for addressing the systemic toxicity of racism on health and wellness. There is a parallel of being a good steward of the land and being a decent human being.

 

Gardens can teach us we don’t have to own everything to appreciate things. One of my favorite things to do when I travel to new cities is to visit botanical gardens. I can walk around the garden for hours and feel good around the flowers with feeling like I have to own it to appreciate the curating and landscaping. That doesn’t hold true for most other things. For instance, my closet is filled with a lot of clothes that I don’t actually wear, but I feel the need to keep it in my possession. Most of the clothes decorate my closet more so than my body. Possessing items clearly does not equal appreciating those items. Strolling through botanical gardens is one of the few times I take pleasure in simply seeing something beautiful and knowing that its existence is more important than taking possession of it. I wonder how much different life would be if I applied that to other areas of my life.

 

The point of curating a garden is to produce a tangible representation of who you are to achieve some level of accomplishment. Many people do this figuratively through work, hobbies, art, writing, etc. They might produce lots of things, but there may be one statement piece, their magnum opus, which becomes their masterpiece that stands out beyond the rest. Its similar to the author who may have one iconic book that became a bestseller and 20 other books that never gained the same popularity.

 

Mozart, Nina Simone, Frida Kahlo, Langston Hughes, Lorraine Hansberry, and many, many others embody the spirit of those who mastered their craft and produced their magnum opus– their greatest work of art, activism, literature, or music that has profoundly touched the lives of millions of people across generations. Just as with gardening, the magnum opus represents the pinnacle of boundaries, responsibilities, aesthetic appreciation, and producing.

 

To produce something worth considering a magnum opus requires having permeable boundaries. The difference between people who become famous and those who produce something meaningful in the world are keenly aware of the environment in which their garden is growing and what they need to produce to make the world better. They are creators that have transcended the bounds of their comfort zones and imaginary boundaries to create art that touches people beyond their inner circle. They simultaneously erect new standards and demolish stifling boundaries in different aspects of their crafts — they are clearly in a league of their own. Actively challenging established norms and breaking down barriers separates those who change the world from those who are just popular in the world.

 

To truly create one’s magnum opus, there is a consistent level of discipline, responsibility and accountability to seeing the end product come into fruition. I know it sounds cliche, but many people want to bypass the journey and get to the end result. The process of creating the magnum opus will vary widely. What is true, regardless of circumstance, is that the magnum opus reflects  the process and dedication it took to manifest it into the world.

 

In conclusion, I started writing this letter in order to figure out if my best days are behind me. Am I just sitting in my garden of life because I’ve already created my magnum opus? Am I going to just pay bills, pay down my student loans, pay taxes, and repeat for the next 50 years?

 

Possibly. At least I can say I love my garden.

 

We are all continually building physical and metaphorical gardens. Gardens will never die as long as the gardener is attentive to it. It will constantly produce and manifest beautiful, creative, useful, transformative ideas, products, art, relationships, dreams, businesses, and whatever you desire to put forth into this world. The magnum opus is just a singular product of the garden, not the purpose of building the garden.

 

Mozart, Nina Simone, Frida Kahlo, Langston Hughes, and Lorraine Hansberry were relatively popular when they were alive, but the posthumous appreciation of their body of work eclipsed  the popularity they had experienced in life. I wonder if they lived their life chasing their magnum opus instead of sitting in the garden of their artistic expression. Probably so– activist and artist rarely find contentment. In general, most people passively develop beautiful gardens they never fully appreciate because they focus too hard on the weeds and the absence of the magnum opus.

 

If you look at their careers you would believe you only get one magnum opus per lifetime. However, I disagree. We are allowed to evolve and live many different chapters in life, each having its own magnum opus of that time period. I saw this quote the other day: Evolve so hard that people have to get to know you again. I would modify it to say: Evolve so hard that even you have to get to know yourself again. We are allowed to consciously and actively renew our gardens whenever we want so that we can produce whatever we want. We are allowed to change with the seasons of life, and in each season of life we are allowed to work on and produce a new Magnum Opus.

I leave you with these parting words: “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”